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Turning My Heart

1 Kings 18:37
Answer me, LORD, answer me, so these people will know that you, LORD, are God, and that you are turning their hearts back again.

I just wanted to share this with you.  I don’t believe in Christianity that is about doing the right thing.  If all I need in life depends on me doing the right thing then I have no need for God.  Just give me the list of right and wrong and I can do it, at least as good as anyone else can.

I believe in a God who is more powerful than me. A God who doesn’t depend on me.  A God who doesn’t even need me.  I believe in a God who allows me to participate in what he is doing.  A God who changes me when I am ready, teaches me as I am able to learn and challenges me to help me grow.  I believe in a Christianity that exists beyond me.

My God is wild and crazy and unpredictable.  I don’t understand his ways and I don’t see the world through his eyes.  But I would like to. There is nothing inside me that can help me understand the world like God.  The only way for my heart to change, for my eyes to see the world differently, is for God to do it.

So when I say I will not fake grace because pretending will not change my heart, it is because I believe the ONLY thing that will change my heart is God.  Faking grace is about wanting other people to think I’m a better person–it’s just pride.

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Jennifer Vanderlaan CNM MPH is the author of the BirthingNaturally.net website. She has been working with expectant families since 2000, training doulas and childbirth educators, and midwives. She has worked with midwives in Central America and Sub-Saharan Africa. Her interest in public health grew in 2010, and she is now a PhD student in a nursing program learning to become a producer of knowledge.

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