Christian Childbirth Blog

When I was working as a doula I was always amazed at how perfectly God timed births.  They always began and ended at times that fit so amazingly into my schedule in ways I would never have thought to plan them. God thought of everything as he prepared these women to labor.

My faith in God’s perfect timing is being tested as I wait for labors to start. I am only able to be at the birth center for a few days each week, and it seems these tend to be the few days when no one will labor. So I spend three or four days away from my family and come home without having achieved the goal of experiencing another birth.

I try to be patient.  I try to remind myself that God has ALWAYS had perfect timing when it came to labors. I cross my fingers and hope no babies are born until I can get back there. But in the end all I can really do is trust that God would not have sent me to midwifery school without planning for me to get the midwifery training experiences I needed. If I must wait, I will wait.

I am not a wordsmith like some of my friends, but I do enjoy words.  I enjoy the way similar words have slightly different meanings.  I love finding just the right word to express a feeling. Well written songs move my heart. Basically, I try to pay attention to words.

So this weekend at church I found myself lost in thought after the Bible reading – Ask, seek, knock.  I had always read that as a line of repetition as if each word meant the same thing and it was repeated for emphasis.  As if Jesus were saying, “Don’t you get it, just ask.”

But this week, for the first time, I realized that if God had meant the words to be the same he would have used the same words.  To ask is not the same as to seek.  To seek is not the same as to knock. These are different words with different meanings.  And at this point, I wish I could speak Greek, or Aramaic or whatever language is recorded in this passage because I’m suddenly very suspicious that the full difference in these words is lost in translation.

Asking is pretty straightforward.  I ask when I have something specific I want and I can go to the source.  Asking a question, asking for help, asking for an object – in every instance I can think of today asking is about specifics.

Seek is a little more ambiguous.  I seek when I have an idea of what I want but I’m not sure where to find it or maybe I don’t even know exactly what it is. Sometimes I find it quickly, other times it takes me longer.  Seeking is alot like waiting, there is really nothing you can do to make it move faster – you must continue to seek until you have found.

Knock is the most different.  I knock when I don’t have access on my own.  Maybe I don’t own the property or maybe I have permission to be there but do not have a key.  Either way I knock because I need someone else to open the door for me.

So, why does this matter? This matters because the verse is about our (well my) relationship with God, about my being willing to request from God the things I need. In a way, I had always thought of it as asking – I need to ask God for this or ask God to change me. But maybe it isn’t all about asking God to do this or do that.  It makes sense to me, most of my “asking” of God has really always been seeking – Why do I do this God?  How do I change this about myself God?

But what really stopped me today was knocking – seeking entrance or permission or however it might be referred to. Knocking to gain entry to another “space.” There is another verse about knock – where Jesus says he stands at the door and knocks.  I guess this verse as always tainted my reading of the Ask, seek, knock verse because I automatically think knock of my heart or knock on heaven’s door. But unless there is something in the original language that doesn’t translate this is not just referring to my heart or to heaven.  Knock and it will be opened – I can gain access to another … place?  space? area? I’m not really sure.  (I did explain this is the first time I’ve thought of this verse differently didn’t I?)

So tonight as I go to bed, I go SEEKING better understanding of the KNOCKING part of the verse. And if I get brave, perhaps I’ll even spend my prayer time knocking instead of just seeking and asking. I wonder what amazing things God has in store for me when I do knock.

I want to share a source of frustration with you, the term “holistic” when it is applied to natural birthing. This is not because I am in any way against holistic birthing.  In fact, I encourage women to prepare holistically.  What frustrates me is the term, and the inappropriate way it is used and understood.

Holistic really means “whole.”  In holistic care you care for the whole person – body, mind and soul/spirit.  You worry about the emotions and the vital signs.  You ensure adequate spiritual and intellectual development. It is a package deal.

• You are not doing holistic care because you use herbs.  Herbs treat the body just as pharmaceuticals do. The correct term in this instance is natural care.
• You are not doing holistic care because you hired a midwife, or because you are planning an unassisted birth.  ”Who” helps you does not define holistic.  ”What” they do with and for you defines holistic.
• Eating a healthy diet and exercise are getting closer, because they will have effects on mood and overall well-being.  But to think your preparations are holistic because you are caring for your physical body isn’t quite the definition of holistic.

So, what do I think holistic preparations really means? I believe true holistic care begins with care for the spirit or soul, encompasses the care of the mind and ensures the health of the body. It involves prayer or journaling or singing – whatever it takes to help you grow spiritually to prepare for this new baby.  It involves doing the work to restore relationships and heal from previous wounds, seeking forgiveness for the wounds you have inflicted on others. It requires honesty about who you are and what changes you need to make.  It takes the humility of accepting what you do not know and seeking wisdom and information from respected sources.  Within all this, is the physical care of the body – which comes in many forms.

In what ways has your pregnancy preparation been holistic?

What changes can you make to be wholly prepared for birth?

Need some ideas?  Check out the section on emotional preparation for childbirth.

Learning is a slow process.  It requires exploring a new subject, experimenting with it and looking at it from different angles until you suddenly realize you understand it.

All learning is like this, whether you are learning to follow God, learning to speak a foreign language or learning to be a parent.

It can be frustrating to wait.  It can be even more frustrating to feel as if you must relearn the same principle over and over because it simply will not stick.   If you are anything like me, at times you want to scream at God, “Why won’t you just teach me!”

But, he is teaching you. And you are learning.  It may not be as fast as you would like, but it is happening.  What areas of your life frustrate you with slow growth?

I just wanted to take a moment today to remind my wonderful readers that you can pray for your baby, and say blessings over your baby, at any time.  No need for a special occasion, you don’t have to wait for bed time.  Use the minutes you have during the day:

• While preparing a snack
• During bathtime
• While rocking baby
• Going for walks
• After reading a book

This is not a complete list, so be creative.  Find the daily activities that help you remember and pray for your baby every day – you can start before he/she is born.

I have been transplanted into the south of the United States.  I came willingly, and I enjoy living here for now.  But one thing really seems strange to me, being called m’am.

It is so normal here, everyone does it. It is expected and I assume it is considered rude not to call a person m’am or sir. But it isn’t normal to me and it doesn’t fit my culture.

See, that is the problem with cultural norms – they are culturally specific. If you didn’t grow up in that culture, you don’t have the same responses to it as those who are within that culture. And while I know the women who do this expect it to be taken as a sign of respect, to me it feels very cold.  I would even venture to call it artificial, to call every person by the same title rather than learning names.  They are individuals and should be respected as such – but that is my cultural bias.

I bring this up because it is possible to mistake one’s culture for what is right or Godly without ever testing it against scripture. Is it better for my southern ladies to refer to me as m’am?  Does it please God more? They mean it as a sign of respect, but it irritates me and does not respect how I would like to be addressed – does that make it less respectful?  Who is right?  Which one is Godly?

This is vitally important on many levels.  First, it is important for those who work with families to understand how to interact with that family in a way that is acceptable and agreeable to them.  If you want to work in the birth world, you need to be able to put aside your cultural expectations rather than trying to make families put aside theirs.

Secondly, cultural ideals is often what drives a family to raise their children to one standard or another.  Each culture picks what it thinks is important and families tend to strive for those values.  You are doing this, I am doing this, and the families we work with are doing this.  But, you may say, I am counter culture.  You may be counter the mainstream culture, but I bet there are others who agree with you.  Others who are helping you shape what you think is important. Others who are part of your culture.

Third, when you are seeking advice or care for pregnancy or your children, understand that there will probably be cultural differences between those who are assisting you and yourself. They may value different things, they may see the world differently.  As long as you are willing to acknowledge it and work through the cultural issues that should not be too big a problem.

Just some things to think about as you decide the lists of dos and don’ts you plan to teach your child so he or she can be Godly. It can be hard to discern the difference between culturally appropriate and Godly, but when you are willing to seek the truth from God, he will make it clear.

It is always so interesting to me when God begins to open my eyes to something I had never thought to question before.  This week, as I explained Monday, I get the opportunity to do that. So where am I in the growth process today?

For starters, I want to say that nothing has made me think birth doesn’t usually work out fine.  It would take a lot for that to change.  But what is being stirred inside me is why I think birth usually works out fine.  Why do I trust the birth process?  Why do I think someone else should trust the birth process?

My mantra up to this week has been that God designed a perfect birth process.  Because of this we have no reason to fear birth, our bodies were created to do it and because of this it nearly always works perfectly. Most Christians in the natural birth world agree with this statement.

Where deviation in theory exists, it is in the uncommon times when everything doesn’t go perfectly. Depending on the personal beliefs of whoever is telling the labor story there are about three generally accepted reasons a labor may go “bad.”

1. We live in a fallen world, so sometimes things don’t work out the way God intended.

2. The birth would have been normal if it had not been messed up by either the mother’s poor nutrition or lack of preparation, or the doctor’s (midwives) impatience and lack of experience with the normal birth process.

3. The birth would have been normal if the woman had enough faith., because the blood of Christ has overcome the curse.

It is these theories that I am questioning.  It is these theories that make me wonder what do I really believe about God, and what do I really believe about birth. Because here is the thing.  The genetic issues I talked about Monday – genetic traits that are not the result of anyone doing something wrong in birth or not having enough faith.  These genetic traits were created by God. He created human fertility in a way that tremendous variety is possible – every human unique. But within this process is the potential for errors, problems, bad traits. And sometimes, these “bad traits” get passed onto the children.

It’s brilliant really, even with the potential for fault, the whole design is incredible. It actually decreases the chances of having problems because each child inherits a set of genes from mom and a set of genes from dad and these two sets together make up the whole person.  For any problem that requires two genes, you’ve just significantly reduced the chances it will be passed on. But you haven’t erased the possibility.

I remember someone telling me once that when God created humans the genes were “perfect” and that the genetic problems we have now are from years of reproduction after that first sin.  But that doesn’t make sense to me really.  Would the genes have been less likely to transfer specific traits if Adam and Even had not eaten the fruit?  I know in some orthodox groups the belief is that sex for reproduction (and so the genetics of creating a new person) would not exist.  But the Bible gives me no indication that somehow the physical creation of Adam and Eve was changed when they exited the garden. I think they were made (with the genetic system for passing on traits) completely before the sin happened.

Another potential thought – I do believe God  creates each child uniquely.  The key word here being creates.  I don’t believe in accidental children. So perhaps my answer lies there.  Do I believe God intends to create children with genetic traits that cause them to die a few days after birth? This is a hard question.  I frequently wrestle with God over human death, which leaves me believing I do not value life in the same way God does.  That is OK, I’m still learning who God is, and will be for years to come.

So here is my question for God today.  If God can purpose for children to have physical and health challenges, to not be “perfect” in that way, it is also possible that God can purpose for labor and birth to have physical or even health challenges?  Is it possible that God does not intend for childbirth to be something perfect that we approach overconfident just because God created the system? Is it possible that God intends for us to have no guarantee, and that the faith we are to have is not that everything will be perfect and comfortable and just what we want. Maybe the faith we are to have is that God is still in control, even in the midst of chaos?

When I type that, I feel like I should already know it – I write about that in my books. Yet, I still find the theory that “childbirth is created perfectly so just trust it” to be drilled into my brain.  Another day, another time in prayer.  I will know the answer when I have learned all that God needs me to know about it – and I have learned to have patience as I learn. I can be content with the uncertainty and the questions, and I am thankful to have a God who finds me worthy enough to teach.

OK, so you don’t want to wait for labor to start using the prayers you wrote this week?  I personally think that is fantastic and I encourage you to start incorporating them into your prayer life now. But I can also see how just reading the prayer you wrote probably isn’t the prayer experience you were hoping for.  If this is the case, here are three ways you can use the prayer you wrote for labor now.

Journal it

If you’ve never tried journaling it may seem intimidating.  It shouldn’t.  It is still just talking to God.  But the process of writing in a journal slows you down-your hand cannot write as fast as your head can think.  Slowing down gives you more time to really reflect on what you are praying. When I journal I often find I have stopped writing and am really listening and questioning God about issues I had thought I already fully understood. I learn a lot about myself, about God and about the world when I journal.  That is probably why it is one of my favorite ways to spend time with God.

Journaling the prayer you wrote could take several forms.  You might try rewriting the prayer in different words.  This can allow you to think about the topics in a new way. You might try breaking the prayer down by topics, sharing your heart on each one.  This allows you to really dig deep into the roots of any fears, hesitations or worries about the upcoming birth.  You might like writing an explanation of the prayer, as if you were sharing the importance of it to you.  God already understands the prayer, but think about how you would explain the prayer to a friend, your midwife, your mother, your unborn child.

Wear it

Deuteronomy 11:18 Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.

You many not usually take this verse literally, but consider how helpful it might be to have a reminder of your prayer now and while you are in labor. There are many different Christian traditions you can draw from to “wear” your prayer. You might collect some beads or string that each represent a part of your prayer and make them into a bracelet. You might choose to cover your head with a scarf each time you pray, being sure to always wear the same scarf when you pray the special prayer you’ve written.  You might choose to anoint your head with oil each time you say your special prayer.

The specific method you use is secondary to the fact that by wearing your prayer you have a constant reminder to be praying.  The object you wear helps to bring your mind back to the issues you identified when you wrote your prayer. This can help you spend more time in prayer for important, but overlooked, issues. It might also help you keep focused on the things you have decided are most significant.

Walk it

There is something about being surrounded by the natural world that helps most women (but not all) relax their mind and heart. Whether it is the deep breaths of fresh air or the wonder of God’s creation, praying in the great outdoors can help you move easily into a deeper prayer life. Head out to your favorite local nature spot with your personal prayer in hand.  Spend time admiring God’s creation and meditating on the prayer you wrote.  Be open to periods of silence and listening.  Be open to walking in circles or just sitting in the shade. Follow the prompting of the Holy Spirit as you walk out of your regular prayer routine.

Time to make your prayer labor friendly.  There are acutally a few ways you can do this, and if you have the time you might want to do them all.  It just depends on your personality and what will give you the most comfort during labor.

One way to prepare your prayer for labor is to type it onto a sheet in a pretty font with beautiful images.  This gives you something to look at and focus on during labor, and you can read the prayer or have someone else read it to you.

Another way is to break the prayer into smaller bits and write the individual parts on note cards.  You can then scatter the cards around your labor place so you always have a written prayer ready when you need one.  This also gives you variety if that helps you relax.

If you prefer reciting one or two short prayers over and over, refine your prayers until you have two or three final versions you really like.  write these out on note cards and begin memorizing them.  In labor you can pray from memory, or you can refer to the cards.

You may enjoy holding a small stone while you memorize the prayer.  Keep the stone near you while you are in labor to bring the prayer into your mind when you are too focused on labor to read the words on a note card.

Some women like making a slideshow with their prayers and relaxing or comforting photos.  This can be viewed on your laptop computer or smartphone during labor. You can even add music to provide a wonderfully relaxing sensory experience.

If you prefer something simple, you might enjoy recording yourself speaking the prayer.  You can then listen to your words in labor, praying along when labor allows.

You might find it comforting to provide copies to family or friends who wish to pray for you while you are in labor.

You do not have to wait for labor to begin, you can prayer your labor prayer daily now.  You may even find your labor prayer changes as you progress toward giving birth.  That is a normal sign of growth.

Above all else, enjoy this activity as a way to express your love for God, and feel God’s love for you, in a new way.

I did a quick internet search and found many websites that list childbirth prayers.  The websites even represent a variety of Christian backgrounds.  So I wanted to encourage you to do an activity today.  It starts with the very same internet search I just did.  Choose three or four websites, they don’t have to represent your specific denomination, and read the prayers they list.

As you read, keep notes of the bits and pieces you like.  It may be special wording that moves you or a topic that really speaks to your heart.  Just keep track of the things that God draws your attention to.

Now, look through your list and add any additional topics or thoughts the Holy Spirit prompts. Try not to worry if your list is long or short.  Just make sure the right things are on that list.

With your completed list in hand, write your own prayer.  It doesn’t have to be perfect, it doesn’t have to sound pretty.  It doesn’t even have to be one prayer.  You can write a dozen two line prayers if you like. The goal is to have something (or somethings) that express your heart and your thoughts and your fears about birth.

Just focus on writing the prayers today, we’ll make them labor friendly later in the week.